Dear Men...How are you? How you feeling? It's raining like balls out in NYC today, but we had some nice weather earlier this week, didn't we? It was so nice, in fact, that you made some life choices that we're going to have to talk about. You see, just because summer is approaching doesn't mean you have free license to dress like Matthew McConaughey at a bathhouse premiere of Spring Breakers. Below, some guidelines for the warmer weather ahead...(click image for source.)
Click through for the 5 DOS and DON'TS of summer dressing!
DO take your shirt off if you are jogging, playing basketball on a designated basketball court, participating in a dance-off with/without fire hydrants involved, or playing frisbee in a park with your dog/a group of hot-in-a-non-threatening-way friends.
DON'T take your shirt off if you have weird/creepy tattoos. "What's that above your crotch? It means, 'YOLO' in Latin?" Also, don't take your shirt off if you are low-riding your pants and we can see the top of your ass crack. Well, I guess if you have a nice ass I don't hate it...but in a gross way, so don't do it.
DO wear a tank top as a layering piece. (A sensible way to add a pop of color under a nice linen shirt!)
DON'T wear a tank top if it reveals your nipples and/or your back or neck hair. Also, at this point, don't wear one if it has "tribal" detailing or is neon. Actually, as a general rule, don't wear "tribal" or neon anymore.
DO wear shorts if you've read and fully comprehended a GQ feature on "How to wear shorts without looking like a douche," or whatever. The rest of you...
DON'T wear shorts. You're doing them wrong. Also: pleeeease don't wear them if you have chicken legs. Chicken legs are THE WORST. Anthropological sidenote: women tend to self-identify as "not so interested" in men's legs/asses. I have performed comprehensive studies. If you have really nice legs and want to share them with the world, gay dudes will probably be like, "Oh, shit" and ladies will be like "IDK it's like whatever."
DO wear a nice leather sandal that hides your toes if they're hideous (be honest with yourself) and that preferably references something sexy, like a gladiator or an off-duty firefighter who wears nice leather sandals.
DON'T wear 'flip-flops' anywhere other than the beach, especially like, with jeans while walking around the city. WTF are you thinking? How much do your feet sweat that you think they need this much ventilation? See a doctor and spare us your gnarly ass toes (babe, it's called a pedicure) and that weird sock tan line at your ankle.
Also DON'T think that just because you're European you can do whatever you want.
All clear now? Did I miss anything? Let me know your dos and don'ts in the comments!
XOXO, *fruitpunch
