The other morning I refilled my MetroCard in under half an hour. This might not seem extraordinary, but it was a BFD for me. You see, I usually charge my MetroCard and can't ever remember the correct billing address for whichever credit card I'm using, so I end up getting my zip code wrong over and over (and over.) But this time I had actual, real money in my bank account and the good sense to use my debit card. (I have never forgotten my pin, knock on wood.) I felt so adult-ish. I'd sort-of budgeted for a need in my life, and not a need like a vintage fringed Navajo vest because "I just feel like it's so me," but a real necessity, you know?
But then I realized I'm almost thirty. Ok, so I'm 26, but in gay years that makes me...117. And in my mind I feel like I'm just coming out of my teens. In terms of life-preparedness I'm somewhere between the beginning part of Lost In Translation where ScarJo is just sort of picking her butt in a hotel room (except I'm single) and that scene in Bridesmaids where Maya Rudolph shits herself in the middle of the street (except I'm single). All is not lost, though. I've compiled here a list of thirteen things I know about myself/have learned about myself/have come to terms with about myself so that I can feel like some degree of progress has been made over the last two and a half decades. (Holy fuck, two and a half decades! *shits self in street*)
01 I look so so so much more like my father than anyone prepared me for.
02 Savings account HAHAHAHAHA (cries).
03 This pretty much sums up my sex life.
04 I get my hair cut at regular intervals now, by men with beards and tattoos.
05 Except I once accidentally had my beard trimmed without realizing it was an extra $20 and then they didn't take tip on cards and I didn't have any cash, so I couldn't tip the guy, so there's that.
06 I still quote/reference Sex And The City far too often for my own good, but no longer identify as a Charlotte.
07 I tweet about masturbating too much.
08 A few years ago I had this idea to get internet famous for a (theoretically viral) video of me singing a song called, "Zac Efron's Magic Anus." I never wrote the song.
09 I'm really good at sending gif emails at work, so I'm probably going to be obsolete in the workforce in like, three years.
10 I am never going to be a tea person.
11 I secretly wish I were vegan just so I could be like, "Sorry, I can't. I'm vegan."
12 Yes, I wear my swimsuit when I run out of clean underwear, but you know what? Coin operated washing machines are fucking ridiculous.
13 I literally can't do math, or really anything involving numbers.
14 No, but like, literally.
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