Idea 01 Christmas sweaters are a seasonal essential;
people without them are routinely cast out by their families this time
of year. My sweater is red, one of the two Christ-approved birthday
celebration colors as noted in the book of Ezekiel, chapter 11, “Are you there
God? It’s me, your Son, and I’m trying to coordinate for the surprise party.”
My sweater also has a dancing naked baby wearing a fedora on it, so I put it on
to celebrate Ally McBeal reruns and Michael Jackson court date anniversaries.
Idea 02 Books are a great gift for anyone you don’t like, since no one reads anymore. Give one to someone you particularly hate and tell them if they want to read it on their iPad they can scan it in themselves.
Idea 03 Everyone knows that women love jewelry and shoes, and spend their time collecting these things in between pregnancies. If your woman rejects the jewelry you buy her because she realizes it’s fake (I knew it!), call it bling and give it to your son along with Yeezus Tour tickets.
Idea 04 Fancy candles are the perfect gift for people whose homes smell shitty (or whose homes you've just farted in), especially if you lack the social graces to explain this to them face-to-face.
Idea 05 An empty box. Kids are overstimulated nowadays, anyway. (What, did you think I was going to suggest you gift Hermès? What are you, high?)
In all seriousness, there are seriously too many gift guides out there at this time of year, so I figured no one needed another one. If for some reason you feel an ungainly urge to know what I like, follow me on Pinterest. Kisses~
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